Picking up my relatively messy room, I end up sitting on my bed flipping through my journal. I saw a flash of something other than silver pen on lined paper and went back to it. The stub of a ticket was taped securely to the page. My eyes trailed laughingly to the two page entry below it.

The night of my second Hanson concert. I looked around at the millions, okay maybe that was an exaggeration, hundreds of girls screaming at the top of their lungs and all I wanted was ear plugs. Pretty sad but that’s what I was thinking. They came on stage and another roar sounds from the crowd. Oh shut up! I remember the horrible head ache I had that night. Funny how it didn’t really ruin anything but my respect for a certain group of screaming teen girls. We had great seats, better than last time, even better than the “side of the mosh pit” seats we’d had at the amazing Silverchair show. Yup that’s me, musically versatile.

They start off with “This Time Around,” followed by “Where’s the Love,” then “Smile.” I sing along. Most people are singing to be heard or just cos of the huge adrenaline rush it gives you. You get more of one from on stage, I thought. I sung too, but because of the massive head ache I stuck to actually concentrating on the notes, not like I could really hear myself over the excited crowd. I was almost jealous. I wouldn’t have screamed anyway, I love my vocal chords too much, but I wish I was that excited. But I just didn’t feel up to it. Pain will do that to you.

The concert went by quickly, but the show was amazing....big surprise, eh? Then we head for Mickey D’s, AKA McDonald’s. I hate that place. I know it’s one of the band’s fave fast food places, and the only stop on our way to home, but I’m just not a fan of fast food. Non the less I was hungry and needed a drink to take some heavy aspirin with.

We all, my friends “Roswell,” actually Melinda, “Jay,” actually Renay, Bobbi, not really Bobbi but close enough, me, and my mom, marched into the restaurant. There was a holler from one of the lines, one that had I not been in pain I’d have recognized. But instead I put my hands up and covered my ears.

I know I said something to the effect of “oh my freakin’ head” because there was a meek “sorry” from the boy who’d shrieked.

Without looking up I know I assured him it was alright. Looking up, I broke out into a smile. No screaming, blushing, nothing but a corny, corny smile. While my friends’ mouths hanging open, I just gave him my best “I’m pathetic” smile, that one that comes over you and when you realize how stupid you look you turn tens shades of red. Zac stood there and behind him Tay, and clinging to the other side of him was Mackie. Tay held Avery’s hand, and Zoe just stood there in front of Ike, and behind him was Walker, and next to him Diana. There are way too many of them.

I’m shy, dead out can’t say a word shy, unless something like this happens to me that forces me to gain my little composure. I don’t remember the entire conversation, and surprisingly I didn’t dictate it to the paper word for word, but I remember congratulating them on the show, and talking about music.

They seemed surprised. I guess they expected me to scream and when I didn’t do that they expected me to keep the topic on them and when I didn’t do that I think they were rather stunned. I have a horrible tendency to do that to people.

We sat together, and inside my heart was going a million miles an hour, but no faster than it would with a normal attractive group of guys. Riiight.

We sat and talked, about music mostly. It’s something we could all talk about. I’m a bass player, and I can do some guitar tricks too, Bobbi plays guitar, and so does Jay. And being in a band, all the brothers were musically talented as well. Bobbi ended up talking to Jessica about dancing, and I talked with Ike about guitar, and with him and Tay on music in general. It was a good conversation, the kind you try to build with that cute guy who’s winking at you in the mall...just different circumstances.

After talking for way longer than it had taken us to eat, Diana got up and summoned the rest of the family. I shake hands with Ike and Zac, who apologizes again, and Tay said something to the effect of, it was nice talking to you, you were fun to talk to blah blah blah. I didn’t expect much, but that’s me, I never do. I guess it’s so I’m not disappointed. Tay took a napkin, and wrote out an AOL screen name, and an email address. He looked up at me and that’s when my breath just kind of sat there instead of coming out. He has the most beautiful blue eyes. Okay okay enough.

Ike looked over his shoulder, took the pen, and scribbled down a AIM name and address, and then wrote “shhh! don’t tell anyone PLEASE.” I thought it was cute that they thought they could trust me after that one night. Personally, I wouldn’t have. But I’m not the trusting type. I’d heard Diana scolding them as the walked out the door. Obviously they’d done something they weren’t supposed to. Can’t say I blamed her, but I was still happy. I looked carefully at the napkin names, they weren’t at all Hansonish. No wonder.

I skim through the other entries written about emails and time spent chatting on line and long distance phone calls. The first of those pretty much amazed me. After meeting them, I hadn’t expected us to keep in touch, then Zac IMed me and asked for my phone number because he had to get off the net and we’d been in mid convo. I typed in my number and literally jumped out of my chair when the phone rang. We’d talked for hours and hearing his voice renewed the idea of the people I’d been talking to, though it was a hard thing to forget. The phone calls increased and my job salary went towards my returning them. Come to think of it that might have been the only reason I kept working. Tay IMed me one day and said they may be around my “neck of the woods” and would drop by if it was okay. This time I didn’t jump out of my chair. I fell out of it.

They had come back around here for a bunch of press shoots. The shoots had been in NYC, but that’s not too far from where I’d lived. So I went down to NYC with Bobbi and spent the day with them. It was more fun and comfortable than the first meeting. We shopped, well Jess, Bobbi and I shopped, and walked around Times Square. I sat outside two of the press conferences, and learned something very important...never ever go to a press conference with another band. They’ll ask you more questions then the band members.

They’d come out and told me they’d been quizzed on if we were girlfriends and a lot of other questions. I think they ended up telling the guy I was a family friend that helped take care of the kids. After I had to keep Zoe from eating a plant in the office, I guess that seemed good enough for them.

I put the journal back in the full box of used notebooks, from 1997 up to the last completed one. I shove it under my bed...well, cot actually but it’s comfy so “bed.” I finish cleaning, and I don’t feel like going into it, it was so dirty. Now straightened up, my basement-made-room was comfy. I stretch and kind of drag myself up t he stairs. It’s a lazy day and I feel lazy after that cleaning. I walk up to say good bye to the rest of the giant, okay maybe large is a better word, family that’s getting ready to head out. I walk out onto the hot paved driveway and look down the street and around the thick summer heat.

The air is dry and dusty, and the streets are almost empty here, outside the city. Its a hot summer afternoon in Tulsa, and I'm bored stiff. Mrs. Hanson; Diana, walks out holding little Zoë, followed by Avery, Jessica, and Mackie.

"Come on, guys,” she herds them into the green van, and climbs behind the wheel.

They wave goodbye, and the van pulls into the nearly distressed streets. They'll be out late, shopping all day. Oldest son, Ike, is rollerblading with friends. Zac, who's fifteen, my age, is over with a few friends hanging out at the corner store, he won't be back for a while. And that leaves me with seventeen year old Taylor.

Brothers Ike, Zac, and Tay are a well-known, popular pop/rock band, and “Hanson” was my favorite band for two years before I met them. After that there was the net and phone, until I asked (yeah I did the asking) if I could come down for the summer because my family wasn’t going on vacation, and I was bored stiff...well at least that’s half the reason. But those 2 years were just enough time for me to develope a “little crush” on Taylor, at least, as much as you can not knowing the guy. We're really good friends, but he doesn’t know about my exaggratedly itsy bitsy crush on him. Though I’d have to say now if it started out itsy bitsy I don’t think there’s a word for what it is now.

At the moment he's dating a girl named Sara, and she takes up most of his time. Rick and his other friends are getting annoyed with him lately, his dumping them for a girl, so it’s not just me. She enjoys being his life, but his brothers are mad at him now, too, she's cut down his practice time, and the time the three brother best friends spend with each other. Not only do they have to remind him that they are a band, they must remind him that they are a family. i told Ike to just hit him but I guess it hasnt’ come to that yet. She wants all of his attention, and I really think she enjoys pulling him away from the world. That is, as far as you can pull a cute band member that's known world wide. Not very, it would seem.

I don't like her, and it's not just because I like him, though that was the first reason. She has an attitude, a little spoiled city girl type thing, not so say all city chics are spoiled. She just thinks everything she wants she gets, and she got him. She's one of those people who thinks they're wonderful, and they let you know that they think they’re better than you are. And they pity you for it. I hate being pitied. Especailly by someone who has no reason to pity me. We fight a lot, yelling back and forth, trading insults, and once in a while, small cat fights. And of course, Tay is always on her side. If he wasn’t it’d be more than a cat fight. But his best friend, Rick, sides with me, and usually so does Zac, sad. But still, not a fair fight for me.

The sun is glaring in my eyes, and its too hot out here, so I head back into the house. Sara and Tay are sitting, eating and talking at the kitchen table. She's not supposed to be here, or at least, Mrs. Hanson, didn't give him permission to have her over. Perfect timing, too, no one’s home.

“So that's why you wanted to stay home,” I try to grin at him, "you are a jerk, Hanson.”

He smiles, “I didn't know she was coming, honestly,” he glances at her, smiling, “she just walked in the back door.”

“I had nothing else to do, so I thought I'd see if anyone was home,” she smiles her smile, polite but still like she's above you.

I want to tell her that she could take her father’s credit card and buy some depth, but I don’t thinkit’d go over well.

"Oh," I shrug, “have a blast, don't do anything Zac wouldn't do, and make sure she's gone when your mom gets back."

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"To Vivian's," I answer. Vivian likes him, obsesses over him, too.

But her true love is Jaime, a tall boy with wavy black hair, and green-brown eyes. He's a friend of Zac and I. A cutie too.

"Have fun," Sara says, and bats her eyelashes at Tay.

"How long'll you be gone?" Tay asks.

"A couple of hours, why?" I reply. First stop may be the “Underground Railroad.”

It’s an old building still in working order. About 17 kids, well teens, live there or stay there when things at home get ruff. The kids get picked up for school there in the fall and the older crowd works after school to pay for electricity and phone privileges. Odd how well it works and how neat it’s kept. better than my room before today. I have a room there, too, because a lot of my friends here in Tulsa stay there at one time or another. Across the vacant lot there is an old barn that serves as a small drug dealership run by a friend, Jason Leaviez. He has never touched most of the drugs he sells and refuses to sell them in large quantities, which is odd, it’s like he’s a saintly sinner.

Anyway, afterward we’ll probably hang around at Vivian’s. That’ll give them plenty of time, gag-gag, cough-cough. Maybe I should be a little more polite...naw.

"Just wonderin’. I won't do anything Zac wouldn't do,” he blushes a little, and smiles at me, and I try not to melt, “See ya later then."

I walk out the back door into the yard. A tree-house sits in the old oak at the far side of the yard, behind it is a path leading to the river. The rest is mowed down, and soccer goals are set up at either end. There's path that leads to an open field, it leads to Vivian’s, Ben’s, Ashley’s, and Chris’ backyards. Chris and Ben are Taylor’s friends. The trees block out the heat from the sun, and its nice and cool.

I walk, thinking about Tay and Sara. When she's around, he's pretty much the same old Taylor, just a little more nervous, ignores the rest of us just a little too much when she's there, and tries just a little too hard to be exactly what she wants him to be. I sigh, he's already what I want him to be. I don’t want him to have to change for me. That kind of ruins tha point of love.

The path splits, one way to the river, the other to the houses. The field opens up in front of me, and the summer flowers wave lightly in the summer breeze. I'm wearing black jean shorts, and a blue tee-shirt with dolphins on it, and blue Reef sandals, very casual. The tall grass brushes against my legs and the breeze blows by softly.

I pass through Ashley Greyson’s backyard, the next house is Vivian's. The field stretches behind her yard. She's sitting on her medium size trampoline, eating a yogurt. I walk up to the trampoline.

"Hi! Hungry?" she waves at me with the spoon.

"Yeah, I am. Have any peaches? Or apples? Somethin’?" I climb up next to her, and watch her finish her yogurt, realizing that I haven’t eaten today.

"I'm still hungry! We have those peaches you eat by the can. Let's go inside. Who's home at your place?” she jumps off the trampoline and starts walking toward the house.

"Zac's with his friends, at the Corner Store, Ike is rollerblading with friends, Walker's out helping their uncle rebuild their garage, Mom and Jessie, Avery, Mackie, and Zoe are shopping. And Tay's at home, with Sara," I snort.

She nods, and opens the door to the house. Her mom smiles and waves from the sink. Viv opens up the refrigerator, and pulls out a small can of peach slices. I grab a fork from a drawer and follow Viv to her room. Her walls are green, and the carpet is darker. She has a daybed in the corner, under the window. I love her room. The Hansons’ basement is divided into three rooms, a TV room with a TV, couch and a pool table, and bathroom, with shower and all, and a guest room that’s mine for the summer . The walls fade from white at the cieling to a midnight blue, and the carpeting is darker blue. There are above ground windows on either side of the room, so it’s not too dark during the day without lights on.

“You want to go up in the attic?” Viv asks.

Her attic has a window seat, I love those. There’s old clothes, and it’s impressive, especially if you have an imagination.

“Sure,” I throw the empty peach can in the trash and follow her up the back stairs that lead to the attic.

We sit on the floor and talk about Tay and Sara, how much she’s pushing and pulling at him, and about Jamie, and how much her uncle, who has more say in her life than he should, really doesn’t like him.

The doorbell rings and we can hear Viv’s mom, Shannon, answer the door.

“Let’s go see who it is!” I whisper.

“Okay!” she gets up and we race down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Another friend, and a member of the Underground Railroad, stands at the door. Zam, two years older than Vivian, three years older than I, lives down the street with her mom and her older brother. Her name is strange, and original; Zamborine.

“Hi!” she smiles, “I got lonely and decided to see if anyone was home, my mom is with my brother at a soccer game.”

“Cool, we were just vegging out. Hey, want to go for a bike ride?” Vivian suggests.

“Ok, let’s go. But we’ll have to stop at my house to get my bike.” I answer.

“I rode mine here, so... let’s boogie,” Zam nods then she laughs, “Your house?”

“She wishes. And she’s lucky enough to stay there!” Viv grins. Yes I agree.

Viv grabs her backpack and stuffs in three lemon Italian ices and three spoons, and grabs her water bottle. She puts her portable CD player and CD’s in, too. We run out to the garage. Zam’s bike is out side, and Viv grabs her helmet and kicks back the kick-stand.

“Let’s go!” she grins.

We walk down the road, to the Hansons’. I go straight for the garage, I really don’t want to go inside. I brought my bike down from Connecticut when I came, and I use it a lot.

I have to go inside, to fill my water bottle. I open the front door and Taylor looks up from the couch.

“Hi,” he says, and smiles.

“Hi,” I grin back. I love him. Let’s not get into it now, not with Sara sitting right next to him.

Its really cool that we were so close of friends. He needs to get back to earth, as Zac continuosly states.

Sara looks up, obviously not caring if I was here or on the moon, but preferring I was away from her, and Taylor. From the way she acts around me, it seems like she knows I like him, or she’s just very possessive. Possiblities, possiblities.

I walk into the kitchen and fill the water bottle with iced tea. I add a few ice cubes, and put the top back on. Walking back out into the living room, I catch them in a quick kiss. Again, I feel anger I probably have no right to feel, and I hurry out the door.

Zam and Viv notice that I look a little upset.

“What’s wrong?” Zam asks.

“Seeing anyone kiss her would make me sick, but him kissing anyone...”I make a face.

No tears, just humor to cover it up, I’m getting too good at it. I guess that’s just what love does to you, not to mention she’s a bitch anyway.

“Let’s ride,” Viv gets on her bike, “Be happy, you were fine before, don’t get upset about it.” She wrinkles her nose, “Yuck. I’d rather see him kiss a dog, or Rick...or...”

Zam laughes, “Stop Viv!!”

We all get on our bikes, and head in direction of the Corner Store. The store is at the corner of the street, two buildings before it is the Scoop, the ice-cream place. There’s a bike rack out front, already half full. We put our bikes there and walk in. The cashier is Andy, he’s four years older then me and he’s funny. His father, Mr. Titus, owns the store. Andy laughs, and someone laughs with him.

“I know that laugh,” I stage-whisper to Viv. “Zac!” I walk up behind him and poke him.

“Hey!” he makes one of his weird faces and smiles, “Hi! How are you? Whatcha’ doin’?” he grins, talking quickly in a strange voice.

“I’m fine, how are you? Anything interesting happening today?” I talk in another strange accent. We’re just weird, we talk and act strange all the time, Shannon calls it “hyper active,” it seems to run in his family, and mine.

“I thought you were home, with Tay. Is Dad home yet?” he asks.

“I was home, but I left the minute Sara got there. No, when I left Dad wasn’t home.” I reply.

Zac looks annoyed, “Sara? Oh, good, now I’m defiantly not going home.” He pretends to gag, “She doesn’t like me , I don’t like her, and I don’t want to see anything...rated not so pg 13” he looks disgusted.

Rick walks up. He smiles and takes a sip of Snapple ‘Rain’.

“What don’t you want to see, Zac?” he laughs.

“Sara trying to screw my brother.” he remarks bluntly. “She won’t leave him alone, I hope he doesn’t do anything with her...”

Zac looks serious now. Sad and serious. Nothing like losing you’re brother to sometone you hate to brighten your day. I’m going to be blunt - although Sara is a year younger than Tay, he’s a virgin, and she’s not. Not good news.

Rick looks sick, “Oh, well. I’m going over there anyway.”

“Good luck,” Zam sighs.

Rick looks a little sad, “Some best friend, I’m being dumped for a girl.”

Andy chimes in, “And a bitch at that. Girls should hang out with the guy’s friends, and vise versa, it always works better that way.”

That’s Andy for you, strait to the point, often painfully. Rick nods in strong agreement. His girl, Julie, is friends with me and Tay, and the rest of Rick’s crew. I nod, I think Andy’s right. I think what I thought before, it’s good that me and Taylor are friends. You’re more likely to go together better if there are more than just romantic ties, and if your relationship falls apart, you’re more likely to stay friends if you were before you started dating. I pinch myself and make myself wake up from my daydreams.

Rick sighs and leaves. Zam takes a long swig from her water bottle and motions to the door.

“Ready to go?” she asks.

I nod, and Viv walks towards the door. Andy smiles and waves a good-bye.

We grab our bikes and ride to the old house, Jason, Ben, and Cherry’s cars are in the driveway. Jason’s sitting on the steps reading. He looks up from whatever it is and waves.

“Hey, come to say hello? long time, no see” he laughs.

Vivian nods, smiling. I feel better now, and we race up stairs Zam’s room. Vivian pulls out the Italian ices and spoons she had in her backpack and hands us each one. We eat and the conversation matter is boys, music, friends, enemies, and who’s doing what Friday night.

We start singing, naturally. Music’s always been around, I’ve always sang because it was a way to express things that you didn’t get told to shut up for, and in the Hanson house, there is always music considering three boys in a band, plus the two younger sisters and my best friend are all dancers. This time it’s an old Hanson song, “Where’s the Love.”

We sing for a while, then Zam glances at her watch, “I have to be home in half an hour,” she sighs.

“OK, let’s go, we’ll all walk,” Viv gets up and heads for the door.

We pick up out trash and head to the kitchen. Throwing the stuff out and tossing the spoons in the sink, Viv hums silverchair’s “Ana’s Song.”

We head out the door and Vivian shouts to Jason and we all wave. We run down the driveway to the road. We cruise to the other side. Zam’s house is next to Rick’s. He lives in the house diagonal to me. OKay nevermind trying to map things out. The sun is still high, we have two hours of daylight left. We talk as we walk, and laugh at Vivian’s jokes, Zam’s impressions and my accents. Good God, we’re almost as bad as Hansons. Almost. Soon enough we come to Zam’s house. She waves a good-bye and runs up her driveway with her bike. Her brother opens the door and smiles.

We keep walking, until we’re across from the Hanson driveway. Nobody’s home yet, and Rick’s orange and green bike is leaning against the garage. Viv waves goodbye as I run across the street. West 78th Street isn’t too busy, and now it looks deserted.

Leaving my bike in the garage, I open the door and walk in. Rick and Tay are laughing and talking, but Tay has his arms around Sara. They’re all on the couch, watching MTV. Rick smiles at me, and Tay looks up to see who he’s looking at.

“Hey!” Rick gets up, and follows me down to the basement.

“He actually paid a lot more attention to me this time. She talked, too, and kissed him a lot. Poor guy, I went in the kitchen for a minute, and that girl will never stop hassling him! He looked so uncomfortable. But the look on his face was interesting, he looked so funny and pathetic.”

“He must have been funny, I still feel so bad for him, though.

I mean, if he deserved such punishment I’d laugh but she’s such a bitch. If she really loved him she wouldn’t push him around.” I respond, I’m annoyed, like almost every one of Taylor’s friends . Big surprise.

“And she doesn’t have the right to take over his life. I didn’t think he’d ever let a woman do this,” Rick snorts, and I almost laugh, “I hope they split soon, it feels like I’ve lost my best friend.”

“I thought he’d dump a girl before she could drag him away from his soccer games and his keyboards,” I laugh.

We head back upstairs. Tay’s sitting at the table, with Sara on his lap. Rick glances at me, disgusted. I have to laugh, his face is funny. Taylor’s face is turning bright red.

Rick laughs, but its bitter, “You look good in red, Tomato Face,” he sneers.

“Thanks,” he grins, embarrassed, “I like red, thank you.”

She smiles an evil smile at us, and kisses him. Rick gags, I try to hide the hurt look creeping across my face. Why do I have to be so damn sensitive? I knew about this Sara person before I got here, but this isn’t quite what I’d expect Taylor to be dating. Tay’s cheeks turn a darker shade of red, and he looks at Rick helplessly, but Rick just looks disgusted. She grins like she thinks she has won, but Rick and I sneer back, she may have won the battle, but not the war.

Tay just sits there with her in his lap, his eyes showing his discomfort. He tries to regain his cool. Then he kisses her.

Rick sighs, “I guess I’ll go.” He glares at Sara, he looks hurt and angry, but she’s too busy looking into Taylor’s clear blue eyes.

I look at Tay. He doesn’t seem to see what happens. He knows that his friends don’t like her, but he never seems to see her laugh at us, taunt us with him, or he pretends not to. She pushes him so hard to go too far and I can see him wrestle with it. I don’t understand why he lets her treat him that way. He doesn’t usually let people push him around, yet he lets Sara control him. Hell I wouldn’t let him treat me that way. Some people would do it for the fame, others would do it out of submissive love, but not even he could get away with that. But she does.

Rick comes back in, grabs my arm and drags me out to the backyard. Five boys are playing soccer, Zac and his friends Jaime (Viv’s boyfriend) and Todd, and two of Tay’s friends, Chris and Ben. Rick pulls me down on the swing on the back pourch.

“Mel, what do I do? Sometimes I just want to give up on him, sometimes I’d do anything to get him back, away from her. And sometimes I want to change everything, so when we get him back he sees we can live without him.”

Rick sighs, “I don’t know. I don’t get it either. All I know is I hate her for it, and I’m trying not to hate him. You know, sometimes I just don’t care any more...he doesn’t seem to. Let’s just hope he doesn’t give her what she wants. I hope he has the brains and the balls to say no. He needs to find someone worth it.”

I nod. That’s all. “I don’t get it any more than you do. And I’m hoping the same thing.”

“I know that that’s not quite what you’re thinking,” he teases, “But it doesn’t look like he’ll break up with her, it’s like he’s her slave. He squirms but won’t say anything about it. Either there’s something more to this, Tay’s gotten really submissive, or he really likes her.” Rick says.

“Let’s hope it’s not the last one... For my sake?” I look at him sadly, “ I don’t want him to really like her, for his own good, and for me, too. Not that I’ll get anywhere, but he deserves better.”

“I know, and so does everyone else, maybe he’s blind. I mean, he’s always with her; Ashley, he gave up calling; Chris won’t speak to him; he ignores me, and his own family! You know his keyboard parts for this next song better than he does, he never shows up for practice. His mom should say something to him. She sees it. Well, at least that he’s ignoring all his friends and that he’s letting the band and his family down.”

Rick pounds on the boards, ready to explode.
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